Reflection on happiness and joy

For how lonely life may have seemed so far, a ray of sunshine is finally being drawn on the horizon. Not sure why, or even if it should be there, but I kept watching it grow hoping for the clouds to come and cover the warmth the sun brings in the morning. The clouds would save me, bring everything back to normal, reunite me with what I knew so well, the sense of hopelessness and worthlessness that has been my friend for so long. I knew how to live like that. The light, the heat, the weight of a feather, or the ability to look forward and see all those good and well-deserved possibilities seemed like a poison I had to run away from, just like a fire scourging your very flesh. Now I had a chance to see the other side, to welcome it even, would I be strong enough?

Some time ago, I took the time to define myself, who I was for me, and who I was for others. There wasn’t much of myself left in me for me. Not always because of others, even though some had forced me to become that person when I was young. It had changed me and became my new natural way of being, being forgotten to myself. I know you would all prefer to hear a good story, where everyone smiles, laughs, feels happiness and joy. We will get there, though I don’t know how it ends yet, I just feel I’m sitting at a doorway and soon the door will open and I will have a choice to make, either walk through it or stay where I’m at. I know I will be different on the other side, who will I be, who will I be with, what would I like, or dislike, what would be my destination, and what would I believe in? The unknown cannot be worth it but with an unbearable present, one you cannot breathe in, maybe that future behind that veil is all that is left to go on in life.

So what brought me happiness, or that joy that you all feel? I’m not sure I have ever felt that, though, looking at probabilities, I should have. No way I was born like that. With young memories fading away, maybe it could be. Maybe there is no one to blame, but one way or another, there has to be a way out of that past. The hope of change is what I hold on to, the hope of having what I want because I want it and not because I need it. My practical and logical mind kills my desire to want and focuses on my needs, the ones I care about and rationalizes the rest. It’s not like I haven’t been selfish before, I have done that plenty of times. Anything that would bring good to me, my body forces it out by not allowing it and maybe uses others as an excuse to not have what I should deserve, if I deserve anything at all. I was never taught I had value for who I was, that I could do whatever I wanted. No, it was about doing something for others no matter the cost. I do believe it’s good to help others, but not to forget and hurt oneself.

What would I want, just want without causing consequences on me or anyone? The ability to dream. 

What would I want, no matter if it hurts people or not? Living those dreams.

Those dreams may not have roots, though they would be full of people I would cherish. Not sure how that would work, if you love someone, you don’t want them to leave or you leaving them. It happened to me so many times, that I guess, I’m used to it. Leaving the love and passion behind for the “greater good”. Loneliness feels nice and opens the door to so many possibilities, one could say that loneliness brings hope… as long as you try to push forward of course. I think that would be a good way to define me. I like to rebuild anew. 

It’s so easy to go through that spiral of darkness, that feels warm to me, and brings all those sad and melancholy feelings in me. I know I need to find a way to feel happiness and joy, that’s the only way I can write about it. I cannot write what isn’t in my head, either past or present. The only thing I could think of writing is talking about what I enjoy, and by doing them enough, maybe I’ll gain a notion of being me. Could that lead to happiness and joy? It wouldn’t be selfish, I enjoy helping people, I just need to take the mask off. I won’t be the only one hurting after that, can I deal with that?

I love art, I’m no good at drawing, or singing, or anything really, but the best tool that communicates well with me is the one of a digital world. With that, I can draw, write, and capture in an environment that is made with 0s and 1s, that can be controlled and its value measured. It’s the perfect balance between my analytic mind and my expressive imagination. Though, art has no boundaries, no limits, which seems to give it no reason to exist except as an escape from the real world. It would seem it has no direction, no destination, no laws, no rules, no belief, that’s very different from what I am. Art can be chaos, I don’t believe life is. Though overthinking about life brings more chaos into it, do I enjoy that?

Other than art, I love the world of the middle ages, with its castle, knights, wizards, dragons, and magic. The middle ages are also called the dark ages, I like that darkness. From within the dark, your hope can only be the light. Knights had values, they created their own and tried to live by them. Magic brings the unknown to this world for either good or bad but makes things impossible possible. And dragons, well who doesn’t like dragons? Wise, magical, and strong creatures that were once. The world was smaller too, with no crowds.

So what can I do with all of that? I have been a photographer for a while, though it’s only in my spare time. I used to tell stories, now I’m trying to write them. I wish my mind was more at peace to do that more often. I love the world of dungeons and dragons, spent too much time during my high school years, and messed that up, so now, I’m afraid to go back and play those games or be in that environment. I started a collection of old weapons, like swords and axes. I’m planning on using them in my photography too.

Happiness needs to be found in us, but what are we without a community? I have friends around my photography, but no one around me for my dungeon and dragons world or anything sci-fi since I like that too. Maybe I need to check out those communities around me, I think that would be a good start, maybe the local university has some groups I could connect with.

Searching for that happiness or joy brings an interesting path in front of me. I know I will face my past, but it looks like I could find ways on building an interesting future. A future with new people in it, but could the old one stay? Could this new life expand my current one, or just replace it?

I had the first sentence in my head, I wrote it down hoping to write a story on happiness. It seemed impossible, still does, but now, instead of a doorway, I see a path. Paths are easier to go through than a doorway, it lets you change bit by bit and evolve peacefully, lets you figure out all those questions along the way. I’m not saying I have found my answers, but I think I may have found a path to get there, on that path I won’t be alone.